Just Print Them Out!

This morning I felt so motivated to write; motivated to read.

stack-letters-letter-handwriting-family-letters-51191

Stack of Papers that Interest Me

I printed out The Ones who Walked Away from Omelas yesterday on used papers. The idea came at last minutes before I packed everything and headed home. It said that ‘minimal budget, maximum effort’. But, aye! Seeking for free pdfs on the internet, finding the used papers, and printing them out weren’t hard. It doesn’t need that many effort. I’d used to read on my phone, it was simpler, but then it was tiresome. It hurts my eyes to keep reading from gadget all the time, to be honest.

This kind of way is easy and free.

Minimal budget and effort; maximum result.

It really bothers me to see the used papers stacking up useless. It’s a pity to throw them away seeing the other side of the paper is still blank white, ready to ink on. For an occasion, there could be dozens of papers misprinted. In a day, there could be many occasions so that meant more dozens of misprinted papers stack up idly. It’s a shame if we just throw it away or shred them out (if there’s no confidential information for sure).

Everyone can do it. Just do a dilligent research on internet where to look for free pdfs. Print them out on used papers. Ta-dah! You can read your favorite story while used re-used papers!

Almost lunch, at a meeting room, ninth floor.
At a kind-of-skyscraper-kind-of-not, close to the heart of the capital.

via Daily Prompt: Minimal

you don’t see me talking about marriage often, do you?

before you get too far reading and cursing, i apologetically say, beware of the lapslock!

alright, good morning everyone! even if you’re reading this at noon or night, i’m still going to greet you with a good morning because like what a sergeant told us when i was in a capacity building program, it’s ‘always greet with a good morning, let your spirit always be morning spirit’.

(that’s alright. but, apparently it doesn’t work for me on monday because oh no, my monday morning spirit is the worst and i won’t want to drag myself all day that way.)

the title is quite catchy, innit? (an attempt to do a british slang)

ah, yes. it’s probably because i’m being a periodic hormonal woman or it’s because i’m hitting age of 21 soon or it’s because i’ve been hanging around with people who will get married in like a year, i feel like i’m actually craving something bigger than attention.

i, who is in her last year of collage, have many friends who tell me stories of their friends having a marriage in short period of time. even my classmate is going to be married after graduation…

anyway, the reason why i decided to put up this post is because i thought i was conflicted and in a three-junction of life.

please educate me, but i once thought marriage was like far from my plan until my soft side appeared and yelled ‘you should get married soon and live a happy life with two children and a large house with wide backyard’ and yes, something shifted.

this ‘two people have each other and have trust on each other and be supportive partner of each other and be home to each other’ is a great concept. real great. you don’t see me talking about all that lovey dovey things or romantic things because it will come naturally when you are comfortable with someone, it’s always romantic.

this phase of life confuses me. this side i want to be a rich independent woman with everyone on their knees for me, to be a hard worker, a work-a-holic, a professional, the one to point whenever comes a question about a field i’m taking care of, dedicated her life to her job because like what has i learned recently, there are 8 work ethics according to Jansen Sinamo and i want to be a good person and that person should be a better one if s/he can provide something else for the society. if s/he can bring the best of him/her to contribute any kind of possible way for society.

work is a grace;
work is a trust;
work is a calling;
work is actualization;
work is worship;
work is an art;
work is an honor;
work is a service

(i found many articles in bahasa though, so sorry couldn’t manage to translate them well in english. i find those eight work ethics interesting and what a professional someone must be when they can relate to those eight points above.)

meanwhile, the other side of me wants to be a nice supportive mother of two kids who goes to concert and football match with her children and cooks super tasty and healthy food. that kind of mother who can be friend to her children, their favorite chef, their favorite trash dump (i’m willing to be called that, to be honest, because not everyone is trusty enough, and not everyone trusts everyone well), their favorite teacher and guru, their favorite protector (like physically and emotionally) and many more. the best mother someone can have? that’s totally amazing.

beside that, a great mother would make a great wife, a partner for life. the one to sail the ship with. the one to sew a fabric with, to build a home with, to work the field with, to be each other shoulders.

and, the one third part of me still wants to be free, to run some more myself, to play and to treat myself. to be not-attached with any relationship and just to make a lot of friends. this kind of me wants to learn more to be a better person, to get on the higher level of what i believe as the right way of living. this kind of me wants my happy soul to travel around the world, to take a lot of photos with strangers, to collect precious accessories from every places, to learn more and more about places and their cultures and do some more to’s.

there’s doubt from many people, even from my family, that you can’t do all those. you won’t be a great mother if you are a professional. and you aren’t a professional if you care much about your family. this kind of perspective annoys me. why should family be the one to stop someone from expanding their horizon of knowledge and roles in every possible way.

women, in this case, should not be prohibited to enlarge their roles. if she can be a financial manager of a multinational company, then let her be, she must be a greater financial manager for her family then.

if any, family’s– husband and children and/or parents– roles are the foundation of mental support. this is also one of the most important thing.

i surely believe, women can do those all. not all business women are bad parents, bad wives. we can’t judge them just because they leave at 7.30 in the morning and go home when the sun goes down. who knows? what we know? what if before a mother leave for work she wake up earlier than other people in the house, making breakfast for her family, getting her breasts pumped for her baby boy, anything. what if after she gets home, the first thing she does is holding her baby boy in her arms, or saying hi to her ten year old daughter and talking about each others’ day, or joining the family helpers’ in the kitchen to make dinner, or doing anything, really. we don’t know. who knows? who are we to judge them that they are bad parents?

what if a woman works for her family because her husband not able to. what if she wants a better condition for her family, what if she wants to help her husband raise a little more penny to send their children to a better school to get better education, for the children better future. can we really say she is a bad mother, a bad wife?

a loud shout out to strong mothers out there, wherever you are, who work in a nice and clean room with cold freeze of air conditioning in a tenth floor of a building, who work in a hot, crowded market with unpleasant smell and rude customers, who work in an open field– burnt under the sun, anywhere. you are an incredible piece of art.

anyway, where am i? down here, long long journey to join the holy community. to be a great woman, wife, and wondermother.

(and another shout out to my beloved mother, who works but still takes care of her children and husband, and house, well.)

alright. the theme shifted a bit but it’s okay. being a woman isn’t always getting married and pleasing the partner, i mean that’s also very important, but there are many things that we can dig up to be a better person. right, ladies?

and, also Happy International Women’s Day to all beautiful women around the world, wherever you are, whatever you do. i took notice from a friend from college, do everything with confidence and you will be more than okay, you’ll be doing great. believe in whatever we do. we can contribute more, we can do more, we can be so much more.

last, i apologize if my words hurt anyone in any kind of way, i didn’t mean to. i’m still learning and learning.

there sky is getting darker, this place is getting crowded. there are no men in this room, more than three women here. and i end this writing with the thoughts that 2/3 of my class are women.

this is a crappy note from 1:27 am

Hello, it has been so long since I wrote a proper post. I didn’t even know if I could hold onto my true self anymore let alone write something proper. I’m not sure if this is going to be a self-motivational kind of post because I’m really poor at being positive these days and this is what I’m gonna share to you. Hoping you can help me or we can help each other, I’m starting this.

Don’t you ever feel like you are so sad and disappointed with anything and just being so negative toward everything?

Speaking of truth, I hadn’t been a person who would look at something from its bad view, I had been a person who would see something from its better point, well, until these days. These days honestly means these months–I couldn’t even remember since when I did behave like this, but lately I realized that I have been like this in some times.

Okay let’s just say, I changed.

Since then, I have thought the worst instead of trying to do something really good and get a hold of the situation. I would just be scared of anything that could possibly happen and instead of trying to block it, I’d be hiding on the shadow to avoid the little burn of the sunlight.

I’ve blamed myself a lot these days. I didn’t know why. But, somehow, I couldn’t see something good in me. Hell, even right now, I can’t even be good with myself.

Don’t you ever feel like you’re not motivated enough to do things you supposed to do? Like you couldn’t do it because the black clouds covering your brain saying ‘you can’t fucking do that just give up already’? Isn’t it the worst feeling? You haven’t even started yet you’ve been too negative toward something you haven’t touched.

The worst thing of being too negative is that you don’t care about anything you don’t find interesting. I realized it, I don’t care about anything right now, because I’m trying to not dying. I’m not living.

These black clouds are such a bother to me but hell, I couldn’t even spill anything, even to my closest friend. I’ve never been a good one to share something, anyway. Family, belief, study, social, everything. I’ve questioned myself a lot and never been one to spill out.

My self-esteem is down-grading. I was never one to think about what other would think, but somehow people scared me a lot these days. I’ve never felt this kind of feeling when I didn’t believe in myself this much. I’m struggling to be myself.

Once, I tried to listen to some good songs to enlighten those heavy feeling on my chest but instead of feeling better I felt worst. ‘Profile’ from Beenzino’s 24:26 album is a bad ass song, telling people you are worth more that they are and such, boasting their life. I would’ve felt good after listening it, but hell no, I wasn’t. Listening to that song made me realize what a waste I was. I mean, what I could be possibly boasting off? Nothing.

And then, I didn’t know how I stumbled upon Epik High’s Amor Fati, but damn, I got hooked. And instead of feeling better, that song making me feel worse, like the hook is somehow telling story of me.

See, I’ve been always a good listener, at least that was what some people said. Finally, something good coming from me.

Maybe I’ve held too much stress on me. Or maybe I’ve set up myself on a high standard that when I failed, I failed hard, fell hard and got deeper cut. Maybe I try to hold onto my pride. Maybe and maybe, I’m just loser, loner. Maybe all these time, I’ve been like this and then I was sober enough to admit I was such a bad person from the start.

How are you doing everyone? I hope you have a blast year! Being sad and depressed isn’t good thing. It ruins everything. I’m still trying to fight. I’m trying to hold onto the last rope. Cheering people to be positive while your heart is rotten? Isn’t it pathetic.

Well, this is my kind of 1 am thoughts. What is yours?


[This post is kind of mess because it isn’t well structured and well written or whatever, I’m sorry. I was trying to get some uncomfortable feeling off my chest. It came out that way. A shame I managed to post it this late, when it supposed to be at 1 am.]

You know I’m tryna find a balance
And I’m searching for faith to keep my pessimism silent
Skepticism crying out, tears upon the eyelid

Lalu, Usiamu pun Berkurang Juga

If you think you are beaten, you are. 
If you think you dare not, you don’t. 
If you like to win but think you can’t, it’s almost a cinch you won’t. 
If you think you’ll lose, you’re lost. 
For out in the world we find success begins with your will.
It’s all in the state of mind.
If you think you are out classed, you are.
You’ve got to think high to rise.
You’ve got to be sure of yourself before you can ever win the prize.
Life’s battles don’t always go to the faster woman or man.
But sooner or later, the ones who win are the ones who thinks they can.
I know you can. 
Happy birthday!

x

Wow. It’s been so long since last time I met them. However, I hope they still remember me.
Happy birthday to my dearest friends! You’re the best and always will!

Selamat Ulang Tahun, Dili & Sarong!

Selamat Ulang Tahun, Dili & Sarong!

 

Sarong, Runz atau apapunlah kalian ingin memanggilnya…

It’s so weird to say that I’ve been friends with her for like 6-7 years but it feels like forever. Runz was always there when I needed something :’) (It makes me teary). She helped me with everything back there in middle school. We were so inseparable because many people say we were alike. Back in middle school, I always came home late because we were the after-school gang along with Abid and Aan! Lol

Happy birthday girlllllllllllllllll
You should come here to my dorm house and treat me something expensive! Tehe.

and to the girl in the Apple City…

Dili, or you just can call her Dili, is a great friend I found on high school.

Dili nggak pernah marah, dia selalu tersenyum, heboh, ketawa sini ketawa sana, rusuh di sini rusuh di sana. Tapi, sekalinya marah beeeeeh rusuh deh rusuh beneran! Yang aku tahu Dili adalah orang sangat baik, penolong, penyayang, suka membantu, suka berbagi rezeki, suka usil, suka makan (ehhhhhhhhhh)

Dili is a friend you need when you don’t feel like talking because she makes you talk anyway. She is the definition of true friend for anyone that knows her. Her bubbly and carefree personality enlightens her surroundings.

Ah, it’s getting emotional.

Joyeux Anniversaire, Dili!
You should come here and bring me a lot of food because I’m super hungry while writing this 😦

 

Serius deh, yang ini serius.
Semoga di usia yang baru, kalian berubah menjadi pribadi yang lebih baik, semoga mimpi-mimpi dan harapan kalian selama ini tidak hanya menjadi mimpi tapi berubah jadi nyata, semoga semua pengorbanan dan usaha yang kalian lakukan mendapat balasan yang setimpal dari Allah Swt., semoga kalian berdua selalu dalam lindungan-Nya.

Meski nggak jelas, semoga kalian menerima tulisan ini.

See you very soon, gurls! 😀

 

Salam hangat (karena lagi panas-panasnya) dari pinggiran ibukota.

Blu: Rasa Puas

We can make our own limit.

23:42

Huruf demi huruf mulai tampak di layar sebuah laptop biru yang usang. Laptop ini menemaninya setiap hari di kala ia sibuk dengan tugas atau bosan dengannya. Laptop ini pernah mengantarkannya pada gerbang kepiluan saat ia harus menerima kenyataan bahwa sebuah universitas negeri menolaknya. Laptop ini juga bersamanya ketika ia akhirnya tersenyum bahagia mendapati namanya tercantum di salah satu laman sekolah tinggi impiannya.

Kini laptop itu duduk di pangkuannya dengan manis. Ia kemudian bertanya pada laptop biru itu.

“Mengapa kita selalu merasa tak puas akan diri sendiri? Ataukah itu hanya sebuah nukilan dari sisi perfeksionis kita?”

Sejenak, laptop biru yang ia namakan Blu itu terdiam, tak ada huruf-huruf yang muncul sesaat setelah pertanyaan itu dilontarkan. Kemudian Blu segera membawanya ke sebuah tempat di mana ia bisa mendapatkan jawaban atas pertanyaan konyolnya itu.

Tempat ini terlihat sepi. Namun, sebenarnya tempat ini begitu ramai. Berbagai individu dari belahan dunia yang berbeda saling bertukar pendapat. Bahkan, di tempat ini pula seseorang mendapatkan belahan jiwanya. Mereka bilang, tempat ini penuh dengan kekuatan. Seorang bocah berusia 15 tahun menjadi seorang milyuner gara-gara ia sering bermain ke salah satu blok di tempat ini.

Ia mencari ke sudut-sudut tapi belum menemukan juga apa jawaban dari pertanyaan itu. Ia mendengar beberapa orang berbicara tentang rasa puas dan sifat pelupa manusia untuk bersyukur. Ia terdiam sebentar, berpikir.

Blu kemudian menyeretnya kembali ke sebuah halaman yang tadi mereka tempati untuk berdiskusi. Laptop biru itu kemudian kembali memunculkan kata-kata yang diharapkannya mampu menjawab pertanyaan pemiliknya.

Kita tak puas akan diri sendiri karena kita selalu memandang ke atas. Kita melihat sesuatu yang glamor, mewah, superior, dan sebagainya. Kemudian kita merasa bahwa apa yang bisa lakukan hanyalah sedikit dari apa yang mereka, penghuni strata tinggi kehidupan, bisa lakukan. Kita merasa apa yang mereka punya berlipat-lipat jumlahnya dari apa yang kita miliki.

Jika kita tak memiliki keyakinan yang kuat, kita akan jatuh. Jatuh kemana? Ke sungai yang berarus deras. Arus itu yang menyeret kita menuju jurang paling dalam yang biasa disebut rasa iri. Seperti yang diketahui rasa iri adalah sifat buruk pertama manusia di muka bumi ini. Pembunuhan Habil oleh Qabil didasari rasa iri karena Habil dinikahkan oleh Nabi Adam As. dengan Iqlima yang lebih cantik daripada Labuda.

Mungkin rasa iri itu yang menyebabkan kita merasa tak puas. Rasa iri yang berlebihan menyebabkan rasa benci. Kebencian akan menyeret kita pada hal-hal buruk lainnya.

Ia menghela nafas. Cukup puas dengan rentetan kata-kata yang tertulis di layar laptopnya.

“Lalu bagaimana dengan ungkapan-ungkapan yang menyatakan kita tak boleh merasa puas?”

Sekali lagi Blu berhenti memunculkan kata-kata. Kursornya bekedip-kedip seakan ikut berpikir bagaimana cara menjawab pertanyaan pemilik laptop biru itu.

Ini beda lagi. Beberapa menit kemudian kata demi kata muncul satu demi satu di layar laptop biru itu.

Mengapa kita tidak boleh merasa puas? Karena di sisi lain rasa puas membuat kita berhenti untuk berusaha. Rasa puas membuat kita berhenti mencapai sesuatu yang lebih dari apa yang kita dapatkan. Jika kita merasa puas dengan diri sendiri misalnya, kita tidak akan berkembang. Kita akan berhenti di titik itu saja karena kita merasa inilah yang maksimal yang kita bisa.

Ingat, di atas langit masih ada langit. Jangan pernah merasa puas akan apa yang kita raih, karena sesungguhnya masih banyak di atas sana yang lebih hebat dari kita. Perasaan yang demikian itulah, tidak puas, yang menarik kita kembali ke muka bumi, sadar diri.

“Lalu untuk sisi perfeksionis?”

Memang benar. Perfeksionisme memerlukan rasa tidak puas yang tak terbatas. Mungkin terbatas memang. Namun, itu terjadi jika seseorang telah menganggap apa yang ia kerjakan telah mencapai level kesempurnaan miliknya.

Lalu pada akhirnya, semua akan kembali ke diri individu-individu yang memikirkannya. Rasa puas yang berlebihan membuat kita lupa segalanya, lupa bahwa sebenarnya masih ada mereka yang punya lebih dari apa yang kita punya. Lupa membawa bencana. Ketika rasa iri sedikit demi sedikit menggumpal menjadi kebencian, kita telah terseret ke jurang kehancuran.

Ketika kita tidak pernah merasa puas akan apa yang kita dapatkan, mengeluh, dan mengeluh, itu berarti kita tidak cukup bersyukur atas nikmat yang telah diberikan oleh Tuhan Yang Maha Esa. Rasa tidak puas yang berlebihan akan menyeret kita kearah sifat rakus. Dan tidak ada yang mengatakan rakus adalah hal baik untuk manusia.

“Sesuatu yang berlebihan memang tidak baik,” gumam sang gadis. Jemarinya masih berdansa di atas keyboard.

Sesaat kemudian jemarinya berhenti mengetik. Ia menatap layar laptop yang kini tak lagi putih kosong. Blu telah membantunya mengisi beberapa lembar.

Kemudian ia teringat akan sebuah kata-kata bijak, ia tersenyum dan jemarinya kembali bertemu dengan keyboard.

“You have to fight for your dream, but you also have to feel fortunate for what you have.”

Ah, ini dia.

Ia melirik penujuk waktu di layar laptopnya, 01.21.

Untuk Kamu

 

Reach me.

 

Banyak sekali yang ingin aku tuangkan dalam pena maya. Namun, ternyata kemampuanku memang belum rata-rata. Kantuk menyerang sembari menatap layar kosong. Masih dua baris.

Lalu ada sedikit ide yang menyembul, hanya sedikit. Kadang ia melintas dan hanya melintas. Tak tertangkap ujung-ujung syaraf. Ia berlalu kemudian entah kemana.

“Jangan kata ingin membawa perubahan jika sendirinya belum berubah.”

Betapa ingin aku teriak ke muka orang yang mengatakan hal itu.

“KAU BENAR! DAN KINI TOLONGLAH AKU! AKU INGIN BERUBAH TAPI TAK MAMPU BERUBAH!”

Dan ia berlalu.

Tak usah mencoba mengubah massa jika belum saatnya. Kadang, ada pula kesempatan untuk kita mengubah satu demi satu orang-orang di sekitar kita. Mendekatinya.

Nah, kini kamu tahu apa maksudku.

Dekati, ajak aku untuk berubah.

Ha. Betapa malang nasibku. Merubah diri sendiri tak bisa, kini mengais perhatian, bantuan.

Ya, bantuan. Untuk menemukan semangat juang yang dulu pernah ada, yang berakar kuat di rongga jiwa. Untuk mengasah ujung pensil perubahan yang membawa dinamika kehidupan. Menggerakkan arit dan pacul, bekerja keras. Ah, kamu.

Kamu memang terlalu hebat di mataku. Apapun. Sepertinya kepalamu itu seimbang. Tak melulu hitung dan hapal. Nada dan irama pun kamu bisa. Ah, iri aku.

Bantulah satu jika kau bisa, ya kamu.

Satu ya aku.