this is a crappy note from 1:27 am

Hello, it has been so long since I wrote a proper post. I didn’t even know if I could hold onto my true self anymore let alone write something proper. I’m not sure if this is going to be a self-motivational kind of post because I’m really poor at being positive these days and this is what I’m gonna share to you. Hoping you can help me or we can help each other, I’m starting this.

Don’t you ever feel like you are so sad and disappointed with anything and just being so negative toward everything?

Speaking of truth, I hadn’t been a person who would look at something from its bad view, I had been a person who would see something from its better point, well, until these days. These days honestly means these months–I couldn’t even remember since when I did behave like this, but lately I realized that I have been like this in some times.

Okay let’s just say, I changed.

Since then, I have thought the worst instead of trying to do something really good and get a hold of the situation. I would just be scared of anything that could possibly happen and instead of trying to block it, I’d be hiding on the shadow to avoid the little burn of the sunlight.

I’ve blamed myself a lot these days. I didn’t know why. But, somehow, I couldn’t see something good in me. Hell, even right now, I can’t even be good with myself.

Don’t you ever feel like you’re not motivated enough to do things you supposed to do? Like you couldn’t do it because the black clouds covering your brain saying ‘you can’t fucking do that just give up already’? Isn’t it the worst feeling? You haven’t even started yet you’ve been too negative toward something you haven’t touched.

The worst thing of being too negative is that you don’t care about anything you don’t find interesting. I realized it, I don’t care about anything right now, because I’m trying to not dying. I’m not living.

These black clouds are such a bother to me but hell, I couldn’t even spill anything, even to my closest friend. I’ve never been a good one to share something, anyway. Family, belief, study, social, everything. I’ve questioned myself a lot and never been one to spill out.

My self-esteem is down-grading. I was never one to think about what other would think, but somehow people scared me a lot these days. I’ve never felt this kind of feeling when I didn’t believe in myself this much. I’m struggling to be myself.

Once, I tried to listen to some good songs to enlighten those heavy feeling on my chest but instead of feeling better I felt worst. ‘Profile’ from Beenzino’s 24:26 album is a bad ass song, telling people you are worth more that they are and such, boasting their life. I would’ve felt good after listening it, but hell no, I wasn’t. Listening to that song made me realize what a waste I was. I mean, what I could be possibly boasting off? Nothing.

And then, I didn’t know how I stumbled upon Epik High’s Amor Fati, but damn, I got hooked. And instead of feeling better, that song making me feel worse, like the hook is somehow telling story of me.

See, I’ve been always a good listener, at least that was what some people said. Finally, something good coming from me.

Maybe I’ve held too much stress on me. Or maybe I’ve set up myself on a high standard that when I failed, I failed hard, fell hard and got deeper cut. Maybe I try to hold onto my pride. Maybe and maybe, I’m just loser, loner. Maybe all these time, I’ve been like this and then I was sober enough to admit I was such a bad person from the start.

How are you doing everyone? I hope you have a blast year! Being sad and depressed isn’t good thing. It ruins everything. I’m still trying to fight. I’m trying to hold onto the last rope. Cheering people to be positive while your heart is rotten? Isn’t it pathetic.

Well, this is my kind of 1 am thoughts. What is yours?

[This post is kind of mess because it isn’t well structured and well written or whatever, I’m sorry. I was trying to get some uncomfortable feeling off my chest. It came out that way. A shame I managed to post it this late, when it supposed to be at 1 am.]

You know I’m tryna find a balance
And I’m searching for faith to keep my pessimism silent
Skepticism crying out, tears upon the eyelid