Yang Sedang Terlalu Menyukaiku

 

Kekecewaan datang tak terencana. Tetiba ia datang padaku seperti topan di musim semi. Ketika semua hal terlihat tertulis indah dan tergambar sempurna, hembusan angin memporak-porandakan tumpukan kertas dan susunan kanvas. Ya, begitulah kira-kira.

Kekecewaan hanyalah salah satu dari emosi.

Ia datang tak melihat waktu. Apa arti waktu bagi emosi? Waktu bagaikan lokasi agar emosi dan raga dapat berjumpa. Emosi tak pernah melihat bagaimana waktu bersedia menyisihkan tempat untuknya, untuk bertemu raga. Merubah apa yang sudah tersaji, lebih buruk terkadang lebih baik juga.

***

Kembali lagi dengan kekecewaan. Agaknya rasa kecewa akhir-akhir ini sedang terlalu menyukaiku. Tak peduli apa yang aku lakukan, ia datang membuntutiku. Tersenyum menyeringai, menggoda, mengolok, menertawakan. Ia tiba-tiba datang saat sudah kulupakan bahwa dia ada di dunia. Tapi, kekecewaan selalu datang belakangan kan?

Oh ya sih, itu penyesalan. Jika dipikir-pikir, penyesalan sepertinya ada kongkalikong dengan si kekecewaan ini. Mereka berdua sama saja. Saat bahagia datang, percaya diri tertawa-tawa, kelegaan bercanda, dengan senyum mengoloknya kekecewaan datang begitu saja. Kebahagiaan? Kelegaan? Kepercayaan diri? Ah, mereka tak akur dengannya.

***

Begitulah kisahnya. Meski hari sedang biru, jangan lupa untuk selalu membagi senyum. Tak ada yang tahu betapa senyum bisa membuat yang sedang dirundung kecewa menjadi sedikit melupakan masalahnya, kan?

Almost half day after the darkest two half hour of exam.
Nurita, still recovering herself. 
Getting rid of the disappointment who keep clinging onto her unexpectedly.

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“Lihatlah Air Mata”

Selamat malam, selamat berjumpa lagi dengan potongan-potongan kata tak tentu arah ini. Selamat berjumpa lagi dengan penulis yang super excited yet depressed just for a little bit.

Entah karena apa, beberapa hari ini secara otomatis playlist yang ada di otak memutar lagu-lagu luar biasa super. Semuanya sih ballad, seperti suasana hati- seperti biasa. Namun, lagu yang satu ini berbeda karena ini bukan lagu anyar atau Top 100 Billboard. Meski jarang mendengarkan lagu-lagu anyar dari musisi lokal, aku suka lagu-lagu lawas mereka. Nah, lagu yang satu ini tergolong lawas- malah bisa dikategorikan tembang kenangan.

Mungkin karena lirik lagu ini sedikit banyak mewakili perasaan hati penulis, jadi satu lagu ini terus terngiang-ngiang di telinga dan menjadi anthem selama beberapa hari.

Lagu ini berjudul ‘Lihatlah Air Mata’ yang dinyanyikan oleh Grace Simon. Mungkin bagi teman-teman penikmat pop lawas, lagu ini nggak asing, tetapi bagi teman-teman penikmat lagu-lagu populer masa kini?

Album Pelarian oleh Grace Simon, 1983

Aku memang nggak tahu keseluruhan diskografi dari beliau tetapi lagu ini sudah lama kukenal. Aku masih ingat banget dulu pernah menyanyikan lagu ini pas masih kelas 3 SD. Kalo nggak salah, waktu itu tes buat pelajaran Kesenian dan kami diperbolehkan menyanyikan lagu-lagu populer.

Karena jaman-jaman itu Ibu demen banget muter kaset CD Karaoke beliau 24/7, lagu itu sedikit banyak ‘nyanthol’ di kepala dan akhirnya menjadi lagu pilihan untuk dibawakan. Mungkin sih saat Ibu sedang mengenang masa-masa remaja Beliau dengan mendengarkan lagu-lagu yang sedang hit masa itu. Tidak beda juga sih dengan aku.

Lagu ini seperti lagu doa, meminta kepada Tuhan untuk melihat kesedihan yang dialami oleh penulis lagu dan memohon kepada Tuhan untuk menghapuskan rasa pilu yang melanda penulis lagu. Yah, intinya begitulah. Penulis lagu curhat kepada Sang Maha Kuasa bahwa dirinya sedang dirundung kepiluan dan memohon pada-Nya untuk menghapuskan air mata karena kepiluan itu.

Berikut ini adalah lirik lagu ‘Lihatlah Air Mata’ oleh Grace Simon yang populer di tahun 1980-an itu. Menurut informasi yang tertulis di sini, lagu ini diciptakan ketika anak Grace Simon dalam keadaan sakit parah. Dalam kesedihan dan keputus-asaan, beliau meminta tolong pada Tuhan untuk menghapuskan airmatanya. Grace Simon juga sukses membuat banyak penonton menangis ketika tampil di acara ANEKA RIA SAFARI TVRI dengan lagu ini.

Lihatlah airmataku
Ya Tuhan Yang Maha Pengasih
Bercerita tentang duka
Dan kehancuran

Setiap tetes mengandung arti
Dari derita yang menekan
Telah lama daku mencoba
Namun tak mampu jua

Tuhan tolong hapuskan airmataku
Tiada satu dapat melakukannya
Dari derita ini
Dari dalamnya dosa
Hanya Engkau yang kuasa
Menghapuskan setiap tetes airmata
Menghapuskan setiap tetes airmata

Lihatlah airmataku
Berderai penuh kesedihan
Kucoba tuk menghentikannya
Namun tak mampu jua

Tadi nyoba cari di Youtube misalkan ada yang mengunggah Audio atau Video lagu ini dan tada~ ternyata ada yang berbaik hati mengunggah video karaokenya.

Silakan teman-teman dengarkan dan nikmati yah! I personally like this song so much because I can actually relate to this song in spiritual level. Haha. Anyway, keep listening to good music, everyone!

this is a crappy note from 1:27 am

Hello, it has been so long since I wrote a proper post. I didn’t even know if I could hold onto my true self anymore let alone write something proper. I’m not sure if this is going to be a self-motivational kind of post because I’m really poor at being positive these days and this is what I’m gonna share to you. Hoping you can help me or we can help each other, I’m starting this.

Don’t you ever feel like you are so sad and disappointed with anything and just being so negative toward everything?

Speaking of truth, I hadn’t been a person who would look at something from its bad view, I had been a person who would see something from its better point, well, until these days. These days honestly means these months–I couldn’t even remember since when I did behave like this, but lately I realized that I have been like this in some times.

Okay let’s just say, I changed.

Since then, I have thought the worst instead of trying to do something really good and get a hold of the situation. I would just be scared of anything that could possibly happen and instead of trying to block it, I’d be hiding on the shadow to avoid the little burn of the sunlight.

I’ve blamed myself a lot these days. I didn’t know why. But, somehow, I couldn’t see something good in me. Hell, even right now, I can’t even be good with myself.

Don’t you ever feel like you’re not motivated enough to do things you supposed to do? Like you couldn’t do it because the black clouds covering your brain saying ‘you can’t fucking do that just give up already’? Isn’t it the worst feeling? You haven’t even started yet you’ve been too negative toward something you haven’t touched.

The worst thing of being too negative is that you don’t care about anything you don’t find interesting. I realized it, I don’t care about anything right now, because I’m trying to not dying. I’m not living.

These black clouds are such a bother to me but hell, I couldn’t even spill anything, even to my closest friend. I’ve never been a good one to share something, anyway. Family, belief, study, social, everything. I’ve questioned myself a lot and never been one to spill out.

My self-esteem is down-grading. I was never one to think about what other would think, but somehow people scared me a lot these days. I’ve never felt this kind of feeling when I didn’t believe in myself this much. I’m struggling to be myself.

Once, I tried to listen to some good songs to enlighten those heavy feeling on my chest but instead of feeling better I felt worst. ‘Profile’ from Beenzino’s 24:26 album is a bad ass song, telling people you are worth more that they are and such, boasting their life. I would’ve felt good after listening it, but hell no, I wasn’t. Listening to that song made me realize what a waste I was. I mean, what I could be possibly boasting off? Nothing.

And then, I didn’t know how I stumbled upon Epik High’s Amor Fati, but damn, I got hooked. And instead of feeling better, that song making me feel worse, like the hook is somehow telling story of me.

See, I’ve been always a good listener, at least that was what some people said. Finally, something good coming from me.

Maybe I’ve held too much stress on me. Or maybe I’ve set up myself on a high standard that when I failed, I failed hard, fell hard and got deeper cut. Maybe I try to hold onto my pride. Maybe and maybe, I’m just loser, loner. Maybe all these time, I’ve been like this and then I was sober enough to admit I was such a bad person from the start.

How are you doing everyone? I hope you have a blast year! Being sad and depressed isn’t good thing. It ruins everything. I’m still trying to fight. I’m trying to hold onto the last rope. Cheering people to be positive while your heart is rotten? Isn’t it pathetic.

Well, this is my kind of 1 am thoughts. What is yours?


[This post is kind of mess because it isn’t well structured and well written or whatever, I’m sorry. I was trying to get some uncomfortable feeling off my chest. It came out that way. A shame I managed to post it this late, when it supposed to be at 1 am.]

You know I’m tryna find a balance
And I’m searching for faith to keep my pessimism silent
Skepticism crying out, tears upon the eyelid

A Letter to You

I’m not the best best friend you’ve ever had. But, you’re surely one of the best best friend I’ve ever had.

It’s super late. I know. I’m awful person and such a bad friend. You can curse me out all you want, but I really am so sorry. I was kept up with so many things lately that I forgot your birthday. I didn’t really forget. I know it’s June 8. But, as you know, I’m awful when it comes to date. At 1:20 am of June 9, I realized the day before was June 8, which meant your special day.

I really feel bad right now. Really. The fact that I couldn’t give you anything while just a few months ago you came all the way from your dorm to mine and got me a cake only to get dissed because I was lot busy with group assignments.

Just, what a friend I am compared to you?

Thank you so much for what you’d done to me. I couldn’t text you a birthday message or call you whatsoever because of some traditional reason you already know. I couldn’t get a hold of my phone because my charger sucks ball at the moment so hope you read this post and yeah.

I know, it should’ve been a birthday post for you but it ended up being my apologize post.

Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday!

Happy birthday to you, Runz!

I hope all your hard work gets paid off this year. I hope all your wishes come true. I hope you’ll always be you who we always know. I hope any project that you’re working on right goes well. I hope you have the best year of your life. I hope you’ll come closer to your soulmate. I hope your study is going awesomely well. I hope what you say on your prayers everyday are heard by Allah Swt. I hope you’re always with His mercies and blessings.

I’m finishing this post with a famous quote from anonymous.

“Best friends are like stars. You don’t always see them but they are there”

Have a good Saturday everyone!

50 shades of grey

50 shades of grey

Crop top
152.655 IDR – choies.com

Barbara Bui leather motorcycle jacket
31.510.880 IDR – intermixonline.com

Object short shorts
371.865 IDR – zalando.co.uk

Charles David suede shoes
1.769.700 IDR – lastcall.com

Michael Kors choker necklace
1.846.090 IDR – shop.harpersbazaar.com

Hap Hap Happy Birthday!

I met her in the first year of school (even though I met her in kindergarten but she didn’t know me, what a sad fact) and since then God decided than we could be friends.

 

me being the ugly one

me being the ugly one

 

I would sing you happy birthday or buy you a piece of expensive cake and gifts but I am like a thousand kilometres in your west. Besides, i’m only student with enough budget for a month. Anyway, this is my way to say it to your face, though (lol it sounds mean idc).

 

lol happy birthday im so late though im sorry

lol happy birthday im so late though im sorry

Happy Birthday, dear Dyah!

 

I would wish so many good things happen to you, but you can actually specifically say it to Allah in every prayer you do (heheheh).

 

I’ve known you for like centuries and I’m glad that I do. I sound so girly and selfish saying you are my bestfriend and all, because what if you didn’t actually think I am your bestfriend too. Hehehe. But I’m so grateful for these last 13 years we’ve gone through and may good things happen to us soon, like going to Emirates Stadium or going on trip to the whole England. I don’t know, wait me till I’m super rich and we’ll go there, promise!!!

 

Anyway, i hope you do well there in your study. Physical therapy is hella cool and hope you can be whatever you want after your study. You said once you wanted to study abroad after this study and YES GIRL I’M WITH YOU. I wish you can be one of the best physiotherapists in the future and/or Arsenal physiotherapist to be specific. I MEAN WE CAN WORK TOGETHER ON THIS. Okay enough.

 

I hope you’re having good times in your weeks-off while I’m here still working my butts off to get through this semester. It’s not even sarcasm.

 

Finally, that is all. Thank you for reading this crappy note. Hope you’re always healthy and have a good birthday!!! Keep goonering though!!!

 

 

For those who stumble on this post and be sad because this isn’t about you, here’s a link to cover of Sixpence None The Richer’s Kiss Me by the birthday girl. Hope your day enlighten!