this is a crappy note from 1:27 am

Hello, it has been so long since I wrote a proper post. I didn’t even know if I could hold onto my true self anymore let alone write something proper. I’m not sure if this is going to be a self-motivational kind of post because I’m really poor at being positive these days and this is what I’m gonna share to you. Hoping you can help me or we can help each other, I’m starting this.

Don’t you ever feel like you are so sad and disappointed with anything and just being so negative toward everything?

Speaking of truth, I hadn’t been a person who would look at something from its bad view, I had been a person who would see something from its better point, well, until these days. These days honestly means these months–I couldn’t even remember since when I did behave like this, but lately I realized that I have been like this in some times.

Okay let’s just say, I changed.

Since then, I have thought the worst instead of trying to do something really good and get a hold of the situation. I would just be scared of anything that could possibly happen and instead of trying to block it, I’d be hiding on the shadow to avoid the little burn of the sunlight.

I’ve blamed myself a lot these days. I didn’t know why. But, somehow, I couldn’t see something good in me. Hell, even right now, I can’t even be good with myself.

Don’t you ever feel like you’re not motivated enough to do things you supposed to do? Like you couldn’t do it because the black clouds covering your brain saying ‘you can’t fucking do that just give up already’? Isn’t it the worst feeling? You haven’t even started yet you’ve been too negative toward something you haven’t touched.

The worst thing of being too negative is that you don’t care about anything you don’t find interesting. I realized it, I don’t care about anything right now, because I’m trying to not dying. I’m not living.

These black clouds are such a bother to me but hell, I couldn’t even spill anything, even to my closest friend. I’ve never been a good one to share something, anyway. Family, belief, study, social, everything. I’ve questioned myself a lot and never been one to spill out.

My self-esteem is down-grading. I was never one to think about what other would think, but somehow people scared me a lot these days. I’ve never felt this kind of feeling when I didn’t believe in myself this much. I’m struggling to be myself.

Once, I tried to listen to some good songs to enlighten those heavy feeling on my chest but instead of feeling better I felt worst. ‘Profile’ from Beenzino’s 24:26 album is a bad ass song, telling people you are worth more that they are and such, boasting their life. I would’ve felt good after listening it, but hell no, I wasn’t. Listening to that song made me realize what a waste I was. I mean, what I could be possibly boasting off? Nothing.

And then, I didn’t know how I stumbled upon Epik High’s Amor Fati, but damn, I got hooked. And instead of feeling better, that song making me feel worse, like the hook is somehow telling story of me.

See, I’ve been always a good listener, at least that was what some people said. Finally, something good coming from me.

Maybe I’ve held too much stress on me. Or maybe I’ve set up myself on a high standard that when I failed, I failed hard, fell hard and got deeper cut. Maybe I try to hold onto my pride. Maybe and maybe, I’m just loser, loner. Maybe all these time, I’ve been like this and then I was sober enough to admit I was such a bad person from the start.

How are you doing everyone? I hope you have a blast year! Being sad and depressed isn’t good thing. It ruins everything. I’m still trying to fight. I’m trying to hold onto the last rope. Cheering people to be positive while your heart is rotten? Isn’t it pathetic.

Well, this is my kind of 1 am thoughts. What is yours?


[This post is kind of mess because it isn’t well structured and well written or whatever, I’m sorry. I was trying to get some uncomfortable feeling off my chest. It came out that way. A shame I managed to post it this late, when it supposed to be at 1 am.]

You know I’m tryna find a balance
And I’m searching for faith to keep my pessimism silent
Skepticism crying out, tears upon the eyelid

A Letter to You

I’m not the best best friend you’ve ever had. But, you’re surely one of the best best friend I’ve ever had.

It’s super late. I know. I’m awful person and such a bad friend. You can curse me out all you want, but I really am so sorry. I was kept up with so many things lately that I forgot your birthday. I didn’t really forget. I know it’s June 8. But, as you know, I’m awful when it comes to date. At 1:20 am of June 9, I realized the day before was June 8, which meant your special day.

I really feel bad right now. Really. The fact that I couldn’t give you anything while just a few months ago you came all the way from your dorm to mine and got me a cake only to get dissed because I was lot busy with group assignments.

Just, what a friend I am compared to you?

Thank you so much for what you’d done to me. I couldn’t text you a birthday message or call you whatsoever because of some traditional reason you already know. I couldn’t get a hold of my phone because my charger sucks ball at the moment so hope you read this post and yeah.

I know, it should’ve been a birthday post for you but it ended up being my apologize post.

Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday!

Happy birthday to you, Runz!

I hope all your hard work gets paid off this year. I hope all your wishes come true. I hope you’ll always be you who we always know. I hope any project that you’re working on right goes well. I hope you have the best year of your life. I hope you’ll come closer to your soulmate. I hope your study is going awesomely well. I hope what you say on your prayers everyday are heard by Allah Swt. I hope you’re always with His mercies and blessings.

I’m finishing this post with a famous quote from anonymous.

“Best friends are like stars. You don’t always see them but they are there”

Have a good Saturday everyone!

50 shades of grey

50 shades of grey

Crop top
152.655 IDR – choies.com

Barbara Bui leather motorcycle jacket
31.510.880 IDR – intermixonline.com

Object short shorts
371.865 IDR – zalando.co.uk

Charles David suede shoes
1.769.700 IDR – lastcall.com

Michael Kors choker necklace
1.846.090 IDR – shop.harpersbazaar.com

Hap Hap Happy Birthday!

I met her in the first year of school (even though I met her in kindergarten but she didn’t know me, what a sad fact) and since then God decided than we could be friends.

 

me being the ugly one

me being the ugly one

 

I would sing you happy birthday or buy you a piece of expensive cake and gifts but I am like a thousand kilometres in your west. Besides, i’m only student with enough budget for a month. Anyway, this is my way to say it to your face, though (lol it sounds mean idc).

 

lol happy birthday im so late though im sorry

lol happy birthday im so late though im sorry

Happy Birthday, dear Dyah!

 

I would wish so many good things happen to you, but you can actually specifically say it to Allah in every prayer you do (heheheh).

 

I’ve known you for like centuries and I’m glad that I do. I sound so girly and selfish saying you are my bestfriend and all, because what if you didn’t actually think I am your bestfriend too. Hehehe. But I’m so grateful for these last 13 years we’ve gone through and may good things happen to us soon, like going to Emirates Stadium or going on trip to the whole England. I don’t know, wait me till I’m super rich and we’ll go there, promise!!!

 

Anyway, i hope you do well there in your study. Physical therapy is hella cool and hope you can be whatever you want after your study. You said once you wanted to study abroad after this study and YES GIRL I’M WITH YOU. I wish you can be one of the best physiotherapists in the future and/or Arsenal physiotherapist to be specific. I MEAN WE CAN WORK TOGETHER ON THIS. Okay enough.

 

I hope you’re having good times in your weeks-off while I’m here still working my butts off to get through this semester. It’s not even sarcasm.

 

Finally, that is all. Thank you for reading this crappy note. Hope you’re always healthy and have a good birthday!!! Keep goonering though!!!

 

 

For those who stumble on this post and be sad because this isn’t about you, here’s a link to cover of Sixpence None The Richer’s Kiss Me by the birthday girl. Hope your day enlighten!

Grey//New York

Grey//New York

Cameo Rose black skater dress
377.475 IDR – newlook.com

Sweater coat
897.500 IDR – oasap.com

CHARLES KEITH zipper bag
987.085 IDR – charleskeith.com

Pastel jewelry
187.420 IDR – etsy.com

Apple iphone case
199.790 IDR – etsy.com

Sexy Straight Line Retro Tights – $9.90 :
123.700 IDR – romwe.com