Just Print Them Out!

This morning I felt so motivated to write; motivated to read.

stack-letters-letter-handwriting-family-letters-51191

Stack of Papers that Interest Me

I printed out The Ones who Walked Away from Omelas yesterday on used papers. The idea came at last minutes before I packed everything and headed home. It said that ‘minimal budget, maximum effort’. But, aye! Seeking for free pdfs on the internet, finding the used papers, and printing them out weren’t hard. It doesn’t need that many effort. I’d used to read on my phone, it was simpler, but then it was tiresome. It hurts my eyes to keep reading from gadget all the time, to be honest.

This kind of way is easy and free.

Minimal budget and effort; maximum result.

It really bothers me to see the used papers stacking up useless. It’s a pity to throw them away seeing the other side of the paper is still blank white, ready to ink on. For an occasion, there could be dozens of papers misprinted. In a day, there could be many occasions so that meant more dozens of misprinted papers stack up idly. It’s a shame if we just throw it away or shred them out (if there’s no confidential information for sure).

Everyone can do it. Just do a dilligent research on internet where to look for free pdfs. Print them out on used papers. Ta-dah! You can read your favorite story while used re-used papers!

Almost lunch, at a meeting room, ninth floor.
At a kind-of-skyscraper-kind-of-not, close to the heart of the capital.

via Daily Prompt: Minimal

How The Sky Tells Me Story

it was slightly dark, like mixed of navy blue and grey, as i saw it from between my two curtains. my eyelids tugged themselves down to once again bring me back to darkness. a huff left my lips unconsciously, trying to motivate the weak limbs. as i raised up from the warm bed, it was brighter tone of dark.

it was blue, bright blue. clear and blue. the sunlight warmed me up, making me feel hot everytime. sweats tickled down my back and temples. i cracked my joints; neck, fingers. the sounds somehow satisfied me, like i’d let go half of the burden on my back. it was blue, but i wouldn’t let my day be one.

it was golden orange when i looked up at it once again; not fully but with some stroke of blue-ish purple. i couldn’t even describe it. the afternoon wind friendly stroke my head scarf; it was rather chilly but somehow my heart felt warm.

it was pitch black when i once again looked it up behind the bars of my window. the aching was all over my body. exhaustion got me feeling like doing noting but letting the back met my cold sheets. it was still pitch black as i drew the curtain. just when i thought the day ended for me, it might start from many others.

it is always like that. how the sky tells me a story.

Stairway to Heaven or Highway to Hell?

 

Shortcut is easy and always the favourite. But, we should think of others when we do take it. Do we actually occupy others’ space and respect others’ right? Just because we want to speed up our bike and get on the campus faster, it doesn’t mean we can let others in danger by cycling up on pedestrian.

Just because you want to be rich, it doesn’t mean you have to be misconduct and abusing people’s rights. Getting faster result by wrongdoings isn’t necessarily the best.

The pain is real when we try to climb up the stairs of, let’s say, more-than-two floored building. It’s taking up a longer time. The aching in your things and calves intensifies as you climb up one stair. But, isn’t the feeling of getting there high-up on top of the rooftop, let’s say, worth the ache in your thighs?

Don’t be afraid of struggling because you never know what’s on the top of the building until you get there yourself and see what they have for you.

So, stairway to heaven or highway to hell? It’s highway to heaven, of course.

 

 

you don’t see me talking about marriage often, do you?

before you get too far reading and cursing, i apologetically say, beware of the lapslock!

alright, good morning everyone! even if you’re reading this at noon or night, i’m still going to greet you with a good morning because like what a sergeant told us when i was in a capacity building program, it’s ‘always greet with a good morning, let your spirit always be morning spirit’.

(that’s alright. but, apparently it doesn’t work for me on monday because oh no, my monday morning spirit is the worst and i won’t want to drag myself all day that way.)

the title is quite catchy, innit? (an attempt to do a british slang)

ah, yes. it’s probably because i’m being a periodic hormonal woman or it’s because i’m hitting age of 21 soon or it’s because i’ve been hanging around with people who will get married in like a year, i feel like i’m actually craving something bigger than attention.

i, who is in her last year of collage, have many friends who tell me stories of their friends having a marriage in short period of time. even my classmate is going to be married after graduation…

anyway, the reason why i decided to put up this post is because i thought i was conflicted and in a three-junction of life.

please educate me, but i once thought marriage was like far from my plan until my soft side appeared and yelled ‘you should get married soon and live a happy life with two children and a large house with wide backyard’ and yes, something shifted.

this ‘two people have each other and have trust on each other and be supportive partner of each other and be home to each other’ is a great concept. real great. you don’t see me talking about all that lovey dovey things or romantic things because it will come naturally when you are comfortable with someone, it’s always romantic.

this phase of life confuses me. this side i want to be a rich independent woman with everyone on their knees for me, to be a hard worker, a work-a-holic, a professional, the one to point whenever comes a question about a field i’m taking care of, dedicated her life to her job because like what has i learned recently, there are 8 work ethics according to Jansen Sinamo and i want to be a good person and that person should be a better one if s/he can provide something else for the society. if s/he can bring the best of him/her to contribute any kind of possible way for society.

work is a grace;
work is a trust;
work is a calling;
work is actualization;
work is worship;
work is an art;
work is an honor;
work is a service

(i found many articles in bahasa though, so sorry couldn’t manage to translate them well in english. i find those eight work ethics interesting and what a professional someone must be when they can relate to those eight points above.)

meanwhile, the other side of me wants to be a nice supportive mother of two kids who goes to concert and football match with her children and cooks super tasty and healthy food. that kind of mother who can be friend to her children, their favorite chef, their favorite trash dump (i’m willing to be called that, to be honest, because not everyone is trusty enough, and not everyone trusts everyone well), their favorite teacher and guru, their favorite protector (like physically and emotionally) and many more. the best mother someone can have? that’s totally amazing.

beside that, a great mother would make a great wife, a partner for life. the one to sail the ship with. the one to sew a fabric with, to build a home with, to work the field with, to be each other shoulders.

and, the one third part of me still wants to be free, to run some more myself, to play and to treat myself. to be not-attached with any relationship and just to make a lot of friends. this kind of me wants to learn more to be a better person, to get on the higher level of what i believe as the right way of living. this kind of me wants my happy soul to travel around the world, to take a lot of photos with strangers, to collect precious accessories from every places, to learn more and more about places and their cultures and do some more to’s.

there’s doubt from many people, even from my family, that you can’t do all those. you won’t be a great mother if you are a professional. and you aren’t a professional if you care much about your family. this kind of perspective annoys me. why should family be the one to stop someone from expanding their horizon of knowledge and roles in every possible way.

women, in this case, should not be prohibited to enlarge their roles. if she can be a financial manager of a multinational company, then let her be, she must be a greater financial manager for her family then.

if any, family’s– husband and children and/or parents– roles are the foundation of mental support. this is also one of the most important thing.

i surely believe, women can do those all. not all business women are bad parents, bad wives. we can’t judge them just because they leave at 7.30 in the morning and go home when the sun goes down. who knows? what we know? what if before a mother leave for work she wake up earlier than other people in the house, making breakfast for her family, getting her breasts pumped for her baby boy, anything. what if after she gets home, the first thing she does is holding her baby boy in her arms, or saying hi to her ten year old daughter and talking about each others’ day, or joining the family helpers’ in the kitchen to make dinner, or doing anything, really. we don’t know. who knows? who are we to judge them that they are bad parents?

what if a woman works for her family because her husband not able to. what if she wants a better condition for her family, what if she wants to help her husband raise a little more penny to send their children to a better school to get better education, for the children better future. can we really say she is a bad mother, a bad wife?

a loud shout out to strong mothers out there, wherever you are, who work in a nice and clean room with cold freeze of air conditioning in a tenth floor of a building, who work in a hot, crowded market with unpleasant smell and rude customers, who work in an open field– burnt under the sun, anywhere. you are an incredible piece of art.

anyway, where am i? down here, long long journey to join the holy community. to be a great woman, wife, and wondermother.

(and another shout out to my beloved mother, who works but still takes care of her children and husband, and house, well.)

alright. the theme shifted a bit but it’s okay. being a woman isn’t always getting married and pleasing the partner, i mean that’s also very important, but there are many things that we can dig up to be a better person. right, ladies?

and, also Happy International Women’s Day to all beautiful women around the world, wherever you are, whatever you do. i took notice from a friend from college, do everything with confidence and you will be more than okay, you’ll be doing great. believe in whatever we do. we can contribute more, we can do more, we can be so much more.

last, i apologize if my words hurt anyone in any kind of way, i didn’t mean to. i’m still learning and learning.

there sky is getting darker, this place is getting crowded. there are no men in this room, more than three women here. and i end this writing with the thoughts that 2/3 of my class are women.

this is a crappy note from 1:27 am

Hello, it has been so long since I wrote a proper post. I didn’t even know if I could hold onto my true self anymore let alone write something proper. I’m not sure if this is going to be a self-motivational kind of post because I’m really poor at being positive these days and this is what I’m gonna share to you. Hoping you can help me or we can help each other, I’m starting this.

Don’t you ever feel like you are so sad and disappointed with anything and just being so negative toward everything?

Speaking of truth, I hadn’t been a person who would look at something from its bad view, I had been a person who would see something from its better point, well, until these days. These days honestly means these months–I couldn’t even remember since when I did behave like this, but lately I realized that I have been like this in some times.

Okay let’s just say, I changed.

Since then, I have thought the worst instead of trying to do something really good and get a hold of the situation. I would just be scared of anything that could possibly happen and instead of trying to block it, I’d be hiding on the shadow to avoid the little burn of the sunlight.

I’ve blamed myself a lot these days. I didn’t know why. But, somehow, I couldn’t see something good in me. Hell, even right now, I can’t even be good with myself.

Don’t you ever feel like you’re not motivated enough to do things you supposed to do? Like you couldn’t do it because the black clouds covering your brain saying ‘you can’t fucking do that just give up already’? Isn’t it the worst feeling? You haven’t even started yet you’ve been too negative toward something you haven’t touched.

The worst thing of being too negative is that you don’t care about anything you don’t find interesting. I realized it, I don’t care about anything right now, because I’m trying to not dying. I’m not living.

These black clouds are such a bother to me but hell, I couldn’t even spill anything, even to my closest friend. I’ve never been a good one to share something, anyway. Family, belief, study, social, everything. I’ve questioned myself a lot and never been one to spill out.

My self-esteem is down-grading. I was never one to think about what other would think, but somehow people scared me a lot these days. I’ve never felt this kind of feeling when I didn’t believe in myself this much. I’m struggling to be myself.

Once, I tried to listen to some good songs to enlighten those heavy feeling on my chest but instead of feeling better I felt worst. ‘Profile’ from Beenzino’s 24:26 album is a bad ass song, telling people you are worth more that they are and such, boasting their life. I would’ve felt good after listening it, but hell no, I wasn’t. Listening to that song made me realize what a waste I was. I mean, what I could be possibly boasting off? Nothing.

And then, I didn’t know how I stumbled upon Epik High’s Amor Fati, but damn, I got hooked. And instead of feeling better, that song making me feel worse, like the hook is somehow telling story of me.

See, I’ve been always a good listener, at least that was what some people said. Finally, something good coming from me.

Maybe I’ve held too much stress on me. Or maybe I’ve set up myself on a high standard that when I failed, I failed hard, fell hard and got deeper cut. Maybe I try to hold onto my pride. Maybe and maybe, I’m just loser, loner. Maybe all these time, I’ve been like this and then I was sober enough to admit I was such a bad person from the start.

How are you doing everyone? I hope you have a blast year! Being sad and depressed isn’t good thing. It ruins everything. I’m still trying to fight. I’m trying to hold onto the last rope. Cheering people to be positive while your heart is rotten? Isn’t it pathetic.

Well, this is my kind of 1 am thoughts. What is yours?


[This post is kind of mess because it isn’t well structured and well written or whatever, I’m sorry. I was trying to get some uncomfortable feeling off my chest. It came out that way. A shame I managed to post it this late, when it supposed to be at 1 am.]

You know I’m tryna find a balance
And I’m searching for faith to keep my pessimism silent
Skepticism crying out, tears upon the eyelid

A Letter to You

I’m not the best best friend you’ve ever had. But, you’re surely one of the best best friend I’ve ever had.

It’s super late. I know. I’m awful person and such a bad friend. You can curse me out all you want, but I really am so sorry. I was kept up with so many things lately that I forgot your birthday. I didn’t really forget. I know it’s June 8. But, as you know, I’m awful when it comes to date. At 1:20 am of June 9, I realized the day before was June 8, which meant your special day.

I really feel bad right now. Really. The fact that I couldn’t give you anything while just a few months ago you came all the way from your dorm to mine and got me a cake only to get dissed because I was lot busy with group assignments.

Just, what a friend I am compared to you?

Thank you so much for what you’d done to me. I couldn’t text you a birthday message or call you whatsoever because of some traditional reason you already know. I couldn’t get a hold of my phone because my charger sucks ball at the moment so hope you read this post and yeah.

I know, it should’ve been a birthday post for you but it ended up being my apologize post.

Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday!

Happy birthday to you, Runz!

I hope all your hard work gets paid off this year. I hope all your wishes come true. I hope you’ll always be you who we always know. I hope any project that you’re working on right goes well. I hope you have the best year of your life. I hope you’ll come closer to your soulmate. I hope your study is going awesomely well. I hope what you say on your prayers everyday are heard by Allah Swt. I hope you’re always with His mercies and blessings.

I’m finishing this post with a famous quote from anonymous.

“Best friends are like stars. You don’t always see them but they are there”

Have a good Saturday everyone!

Hap Hap Happy Birthday!

I met her in the first year of school (even though I met her in kindergarten but she didn’t know me, what a sad fact) and since then God decided than we could be friends.

 

me being the ugly one

me being the ugly one

 

I would sing you happy birthday or buy you a piece of expensive cake and gifts but I am like a thousand kilometres in your west. Besides, i’m only student with enough budget for a month. Anyway, this is my way to say it to your face, though (lol it sounds mean idc).

 

lol happy birthday im so late though im sorry

lol happy birthday im so late though im sorry

Happy Birthday, dear Dyah!

 

I would wish so many good things happen to you, but you can actually specifically say it to Allah in every prayer you do (heheheh).

 

I’ve known you for like centuries and I’m glad that I do. I sound so girly and selfish saying you are my bestfriend and all, because what if you didn’t actually think I am your bestfriend too. Hehehe. But I’m so grateful for these last 13 years we’ve gone through and may good things happen to us soon, like going to Emirates Stadium or going on trip to the whole England. I don’t know, wait me till I’m super rich and we’ll go there, promise!!!

 

Anyway, i hope you do well there in your study. Physical therapy is hella cool and hope you can be whatever you want after your study. You said once you wanted to study abroad after this study and YES GIRL I’M WITH YOU. I wish you can be one of the best physiotherapists in the future and/or Arsenal physiotherapist to be specific. I MEAN WE CAN WORK TOGETHER ON THIS. Okay enough.

 

I hope you’re having good times in your weeks-off while I’m here still working my butts off to get through this semester. It’s not even sarcasm.

 

Finally, that is all. Thank you for reading this crappy note. Hope you’re always healthy and have a good birthday!!! Keep goonering though!!!

 

 

For those who stumble on this post and be sad because this isn’t about you, here’s a link to cover of Sixpence None The Richer’s Kiss Me by the birthday girl. Hope your day enlighten!